The Forks, ME – The small town in the heart of Maine’s Somerset County has been left reeling after a shortage of four-pronged utensils was discovered. According to recently released US census data, the town of just 35 people has under 400 useable forks within its limits. For a town that can accommodate over 1000 visitors during the busy rafting season these numbers are shocking. Despite what many people think, the real problem with a lack of forks is not dining, it’s disease. According to the Center for Disease Control a lack of exposure to silverware can lead to forktism or in serious cases, cutlorrhea. We spoke to Three Rivers Whitewater owner Joe Christopher who said that ever since hearing this news he has had a bad taste in his mouth. “Apart from the river, the rafting, and the women, the only things keeping me in this town are the forks. Without them, I am nothing.” Another resident, who wanted to remain anonymous, went as far as to call the absence of forks a war crime, stating that, “We ought to re-name this town The Chopsticks or The Eat With Our Hands. What a disgrace!” Community leaders and residents will gather in the Town Hall next Friday to discuss an action plan. With a full house expected, town renaming, and the failure of fork search and rescue efforts are expected to be hot topics. Until the meeting, Forktonians are being advised to keep their cutlery in a safe place and all new visitors are encouraged to bring silverware with them. – Mainely Real News
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