It’s an age-old question that has been debated by almost everybody, from the brightest philosophers to the most thorough scientists. Aristotle himself once said that, “If humanity could decide which is better, the beach or the river, all the worlds’ troubles would soon melt away.” 2000 years later and we are still no closer to the truth. Until now.  For you today, we have compiled the definitive list of reasons why: The River is Better than the Beach.

1. Salt. The bane of many slugs and amateur chefs, salt is a huge reason why you should avoid the beach. Not only is it sticky and smelly but salt and water make a horrible mixed drink. There’s a reason why Fiji and Aquafina don’t bottle sea water.

2. People. People are the number one source of overcrowding worldwide. It’s not just beaches but malls, concerts and family reunions can all suffer from people. Stay safe this summer and avoid lots of people by coming up to the river.

3. Illness. Stomach Bugs, Dangerous Algal Blooms and Flesh Eating Bacteria are prevalent on beaches and in seaside communities around the U.S. If you want to avoid these, and a host of other things that could ruin your summer, come hang out at the river.

4. Sharks, Jellyfish and Stingrays. Apart from the infamous Kennebec River Shark the only wildlife that you have to worry about in the river are trout and dragonflies. Meanwhile our ocean loving friends like sharks, jellyfish and stingrays are always more than happy to introduce themselves to summer beach-goers.

5. Pirates. Sharks might sound scary but pirates are even nastier. Known for their lack of hygiene, hooked hands and habit of making you walk the plank, pirates should be avoided at all costs. Fortunately for us, their tall ships are confined to the seven seas and they will never be found on the three rivers.

6. Tsunamis. What’s scarier than dropping into Maytag sideways? Try a 100 foot wave coming in to destroy your picnic as well as the whole town behind you. The only way to stop a tsunami is – you can’t. The great thing about the river is that we have a dam controlling the water we get every day and that means no tsunamis.

7. Rip Currents. Rivers aren’t the only bodies of water with strong currents. Many beaches have hidden currents that can pull swimmers out to sea. These currents are unexpected and therefore hard to fight. On the other hand, rivers always flow downstream – unless you’re in Australia. This means that if the current takes you for a ride, you and everybody you’re with, knows where you’re going.

8. Rafting. The currents that inhibit all rivers also help to give them their best quality – raftability. The unique landscape and features on a river, combined with their fresh blue water, mean that rivers like the Kennebec, Dead and Penobscot can be rafted. Big hits, awesome splashes and gnarly surfs can also be enjoyed by kayakers, body boarders and adventurous tubers.

9. Sand. Sand, Sand, Sand. Sand gets everywhere. It likes to visit places that you don’t even frequent, and can often be found somewhere on the body 72 hours after a day at the beach. Sand can, however, be easily avoided by coming up to the river.

10. Falling Coconuts. If you can think of a more embarrassing way to die I’m all ears. Every year people are killed by deadly, hairy, balls of electrolyte rich water called coconuts. These people become part of the statistic that make falling coconuts more deadly than sharks. Don’t become a statistic.

If this comprehensive list of reasons as to why the river is better than the beach does not persuade you, just remember that you might as well start your vacation at the river because if you continue to follow it downstream you’ll eventually get to the beach.

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